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This post is a discussion of the first advert in the series. If you want to watch it first, here it is:

The first advert begins with a family moving to a new house.

Hang on. Why does the van’s sign say MOVES? I mean, obviously it’s a moving van, but shouldn't it have the name of the company on the side instead?

Putting MOVES on a moving van is like putting the word POLICES on a police car.

What's more, it's not even a proper sign. The word MOVES appears to be hand-painted.

And what's the arrow even pointing to? The driver's seat? Is that where the MOVES are? I can't believe this. We're only into the first frame of the first advert and already it's a catastrophe. Then again, I don't think anyone was supposed to pay this much attention to these adverts.

Look, I'm sorry, but this sign just doesn't make sense. I can accept there's a tree with five different fruits. I can believe there's a strange land where people turn into ravens. But this sign breaks my immersion and I’m really very sorry but I want my money back.

The mom yells, "Don’t get lost, Kit!"

"I won’t!" says Kit.

Famous last words, those are. Because, just like Madeleine McCann, Kit was never seen again. This was the last time his parents saw him. His body was never recovered and his heart-broken parents never found out what happened to him. But don't worry, reader, because thanks to our omnipresence powers, we'll find out what happened to him. (He gets stranded in a mountain cave and left there by the production crew.)

Kit immediately goes to a fucked-up creepy-ass treehouse. It looks like a glitch in a video game. It's probably the same treehouse where all those murders happened. Good job, Kit, you moron. You've only just moved to the area and you're already going to get yourself killed at the local murder hotspot.

Kit just blunders on in, not caring that this is could be the place where all those murders happened, or even that this is someone else’s property.

It's a pretty cool treehouse though. It's got all this cool stuff that you can only see for a split second, like a golden telescope and strange symbols scrawled on parchment. It also has a pile of questionable video cassettes and a bed made of old coats that presumably smell like piss.

And look, sweets! All I can think is how lucky Kit is. Not only does he find a cool treehouse, he gets free sweets to boot.

Then again, maybe eating from a carefully-arranged bag full of sweets in a strange treehouse isn't the brightest idea. Because for all Kit knows, the local paedo could have injected those sweets with Rohypnol.

Here, Kit's chuckling to himself over a racist joke he's just remembered:

Waz dat? Is it the idol from India jones?

Nah, it’s a Faberge egg. He can pawn that for about 20 quid on Antiques Roadshow, I reckon.

I’ve changed my mind. I now think it’s a statue of a BB-8 missing its head.

Whoa! It’s a projector!

Look at the expression on this kid's face and tell me whether it is good acting or not. Just look at it. Imagine the acting director has told this kid, this actor, to act surprised.

This kid is Aaron Taylor Johnson and went on to star in Hollywood films, notably in the titular role in Kick-Ass and as Quicksilver in The Avengers 2. He's acted alongside Scarlett Johansson and Elizabeth Olsen.

And I wonder: if I'd been cast as Kit in these adverts instead of Aaron Taylor Johnson, would I have grown up to become a Hollywood movie star too? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Anyway, the projection is of "The Professor".

"Those sweets come from the Rowntree!" says the Professor. So they’re not mass-produced in a factory? Whoa, you learn something new every day.

The Rowntree is a mythical tree "that bears five different fruits", he continues, fruits that "make the most exquisite sweets." Then he says, "I spent my whole life trying to find the Rowntree," as a regretful tear falls from his eye. Stupid old bastard. What a waste of his life. He should have just gone to Tesco and bought his sweets there like everyone else.

"Now I’m too old," the Professor continues, his voice quivering. "So I’m handing the quest on to you."

Wait, is this really a good idea for a quest? To find a tree that grows five different fruits? Why not just find five trees that each grow a different fruit instead? That'd be easier, surely, because all you'd have to do is go to five different orchards. You could do it in one day.

What the...

Wheeeeee! This looks like even more fun than the water slides at Butlins. And probably safer too.

Whoa.

There are THREE suns. Count ‘em. One, two, three! Oh wait, there’s just two. And one of them is a moon.